The Hypocritical Oath

Taken from http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/doctors/oath_classical.html

Translated from the original Scouse, it runs;

(30 June, 2005AD)

I swear by Alex Ferguson, Carlos Queiroz, Bobby Charlton, Malcolm Glazer, all the Mancs and Mancesses, making them my witnesses, that I will fulfill according to my ability and judgment this oath and this covenant:

To swear and sulk at Referees who love me as equal to my parents(Shrek and Fiona) and to live my life in partnership with various older ladies, and if they are in need of money to give them a share of mine, and to regard their offspring as equal to my brothers Carlos Tevez and Quasimodo and to teach them this art - if they desire to learn it - without fee and covenant; to give a share of physical and oral instruction and all the other learning to my sons and to the sons of him who has instructed me and to Mancs who have signed the covenant and have become an oath according to the hypocritical law, but no one else.

I will apply my dirty tactics for the benefit of Manchester United and the National team according to my ability, judgment and salary; I will keep them from injustices and obeying the rules.

I will neither give a handshake to anybody who asked for it, nor will I make a suggestion to this effect. Similarly I will not give to a charity any financial remedy. In purity and holiness I will guard my life and my swamp.

I will not use the fair play, not even on sufferers from relegation, but will withdraw from the media spotlight in the knowledge that I am their savior and their idol.

Whatever stadia I may visit, I will come for the benefit of myself, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of relations with both C.Ronaldo and Ricardo Carvalho.1
What I may see or hear in the course of a match or even outside of the stadium in regard to the life of C.Ronaldo, which on no account must be allowed to transfer abroad, I will keep to myself, holding such things shameful to be spoken about.

If I fulfill this oath and do not violate it, may it be granted to me to enjoy swearing and diving, being honored with fame among all men for all time to come; if I transgress it and swear falsely, may the media once again bail me out by turning a blind eye.

Waynocrates of Manchester II